Friday, May 15, 2009

Things We Give Up For Companionship

All we want is love, but as Chris Rock says (paraphrasing) the one we end up marrying is second runner up because our first choice married someone else.  Or is that we end up being someones second runner up?  I think the point is we both end up being each others second choice.  Ok, not you TamStyles since you two have been together since you got breasts and he felt you up.  ;-)

Is this really true?  Do we really end up marrying the second runner up?  Was my greatest love to date really the love of my life?  Will there be no other love to compare?  Is that why so many people are still single because we are still looking or waiting for that first great love to return? Oh, better to love and to have lost then to have never loved at all!  What a crock!  Hee Hee.  As much as that hurt...hmmm me thinks I could have done without all the pain, tears and...I did enjoy the lost weight though...but it was fun while it lasted. 

Here's my dilemma:

I have this friend I'll call Bob.  Bob loves me to death and will do absolutely anything for me. And has.  Even listened to me cry about other men.  I know, I know!

The problem is...I'm just not that into him like he is into me.  We have had this conversation over and over for say 5-6 years.  He wants to move here (from the other side of the US) to be with me.  I'm not interested in that type of relationship with him and I don't want to ruin or loose our friendship.  Some people have said I should just marry him because a marriage is more than sex or attraction but I still have this...FANTASY (WOW) that I can be deeply attracted to my mate and be madly in love and have great sex.  Come on!  I'm still not even 40 yet.  I'm not ready to give up on that dream.  Plus I do love him and I wouldn't want to put him in a situation to make him feel not wanted or loved just for the sake of being with me and making my life easy.  Damn my morals!

What do you all think?  As we get older and are looking to get married for the first or second time do we give up things such as true love for companionship?  What should I do with my friend?


  1. I recently turned 44 and I'm still single and I still have the dream - no - the EXPECTATION that I will meet and fall in love with someone I will want to spend the rest of my life with. I will not compromise. I have lowered my standards a bit, if you want to call it that. I'm less about looks, more attracted to intelligence & humour. I always held those attributes at the top, but now, even more so. If I'm going to live with someone after all these years on my own, he better keep me laughing and interested. Some days it's tempting to look for an easy out and just 'settle,' but it's still easy enough to talk myself out of that. Also higher on my list of requirements - a good pay cheque. I've done well for myself - my man had better to be doing as good or better than me to earn my respect.

    As for your friend - I think you're doing the right thing. I don't see how he could stay happy in a one-sided relationship. And you deserve better.

  2. Nope.. but as you get older you realize that things we thought mattered don't... Its okay to have the ideal of fantasy love but does fantasy have a place in reality? Or better yet is it a lottery that you are willing to risk a companion that is committed and loving and a great parent for the ideal of one that is fun and sexy with great sex? How do you explain "I chose great sex over giving you a great father". Now I for one don't think my fantasy life involves a marriage EVER but that's just me. I love being single, and I love the ideal of staying single and if a committed relationship becomes long term, I would love for it to be a committed relationship because we decide to stay that way and not because we have to. But then, I may be biased... cause I'm voting for Bob!

  3. When I was younger I, too, felt that there had to be that special person "just for me"--great looks, great in bed, and wealthy. REALITY CHECK. The whole package is one-in-a-million. Mister Right is a wonderful thought, but, Mr. Right Now seems to have good qualities; and the best one is, "he is into you." One more vote for Bob.

  4. i love the expression: don't marry the person you can live with - marry the one you can't live without.

  5. In the words of the late great Luther Vandross..."Wait for love and your gonna get the; chance for love...Sometimes love takes a long time.....
    I am in the same boat and I havent given up either. True love is worth waiting for, those who say otherwise have never truly experienced it.
    Good luck and I wish you health happiness, and lots of love.


  6. A pastor once told me that I should not get married unless I was RUNNING down the aisle to be with him. I always remembered that advice. My vote is wait because neither you or Bob would want regrets. You would feel stuck if the true love comes along and that isn't fair to Bob or yourself. Hang on!

  7. Don't get me started on this subject because I could go on for hours.

    See, I have this one guy (we'll call him Ex) with whom I get along fabulously, we are the same "kind" of people, we make a great team, we can spend days (months) in each other's exclusive company without yelling once. So why, after 8 yrs on and off aren't we together? There just isn't any passion, on either side.

    Then there's the "love of my life" (LOML) with whom I finally got together a couple of years ago (during a break up with Ex). Turns out, he revs my motor but I don't have any respect for his views or intellect.

    If I could somehow combine the best of both of these I'd be happy forever.

    Long story short: I don't know. But I do know that the time with LOML is not something I'd trade. At the same time, I get back together with Ex on a regular basis. Every time I think back on LOML, it seems like I escaped just in time.

  8. are to funny. I actually had my breasts before I was 15! But the feeling me up part is! I dont think anyone should give up how they feel, or what they want just for companionship. Hell, a pet is a companion. We are talking love! My Aunt (from my blog) is in her late 50's (and will be in ebonys single and sexy in a month or two)and is single and looking for love..She has educated me, because at first I was telling her that she was meeting nice guys, just give it time. She said NO! I know what I want, and what gets me going and none of these men havent. She said she wont put her wants on the back burner for anyone. So dont you! PLus you said it best. You arent feeling him like that. Point blank, enough said..I think you know..but are worried about his feelins.

  9. Hmmm, I am not a big advocate for Mr. Right Now vs. Mr. Right but I do think standards do need to be adjusted sometimes. For example, if you are say "waiting for Denzel" well an adjustment is probably in order. But if you were to wake up one day and find yourself truly missing Bob and feeling like you wanted to pursue a romantic relationship then I would say go for it, but by no means would I try to conjure up feelings that just aren't there.